Social media distraction, lack of time, and the need for in-person adult connection are common problems that moms struggle with. I hear it almost daily in my life coaching practice.
We’re all smart enough to realize that being on our phones scrolling endlessly through Facebook or Instagram is taking away from fully enjoying life. So, putting away your mobile phone for an evening seems like a simple thing to do – yet it’s so freaking hard. Why??
Here are a few reasons why it’s hard to put down the phone:
(1) DEEP-ROOTED HABIT: Checking our phones has become a habit that we’re not even fully conscious of. A study by Apple said we unlock our phones 80 times a day!! Another study found we are only aware of unlocking our phones half-the-time. You’re an expert at checking your phone and the more you do it the less you have to think about it. Over time, our actions become hardwired in our brain and the pathway gets strengthened each time we do it. That’s why once a habit is formed it takes concerted effort to change it. You literally have to retrain your brain.
(2) NEED TO BELONG: Thanks to the Internet in our palms, we increasingly have anxiety about being disconnected and unaware because we can see billions of things happening simultaneously around the world. You may have heard the term FOMO (fear of missing out) and this ties back into our human need to be part of a tribe; accepted and loved. This basic human need is biologically wired into our brain and nervous system, and so when you feel like you’re being left out or don’t belong you might react in negative ways. Your neocortex (the thinking and reasoning brain) can’t work properly if you don’t feel safe and loved. The Internet and social media is a crutch to feel like we belong.
(3) NATURAL FEEL GOOD DRUGS: When you get a comment, like or share on your social media post you get a shot of dopamine. Dopamine is part of our chemical reward system that generates a sense of pleasure. So wouldn’t one post be enough? Nope. Dopamine release also increases the ‘wanting’ response. Wanting more. More likes, comments, shares. So you can see the cyclical impact of social media on your brain. Post – get comments – feel pleasure – want more pleasure – post more.
There are strong habitual and biological systems that are making you crave your phone. So, how on earth do you make this change? Here’s my secret 5-step coaching process for reducing mobile phone use.
HOW TO PUT DOWN YOUR PHONE FOR MORE THAN 30 MINUTES
Let’s be real. You need to use your phone. It’s awesome and convenient. I’m not suggesting we rewind time to the 1980’s when you had to wait for the television news to tell you the weather, call the restaurant from your home phone to tell your friend you were going to be late for dinner, or carry around your film camera to get one decent picture.
Overuse, however, is impacting our deep happiness and wasting precious time, so to help you put down your phone for awhile here’s a process to work through.
(1) FIGURE OUT WHAT’S EVEN BETTER: Ask yourself these questions: What is more meaningful and fulfilling for me? If putting away my phone gives me an extra 30 minutes a day, what would I do with it? How do I benefit when I’m more present and not distracted? Who else benefits and how do they benefit? What am I modeling for my children? Write your answers down with pen and paper. Writing helps you to process and solidify these thoughts and you can also review them to help you sustain your motivation.
(2) BECOME AWARE: We are unconsciously picking up our phone. To change the habit we need to bring awareness of this habit back into our consciousness so we realize how much it’s impacting our lives. Try this for one day: When you pick up your phone, say aloud “I’m picking up my phone”. Then look at the time and say the time aloud, “It is 7:21am.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Notice your actions and write down your thoughts on the experiment at the end of the day.
(3) SET BOUNDARIES FOR YOURSELF: Figure out when you want to take a break from your phone to be present and create a personal agreement. For example, I decided that I wanted to put away my phone during weekday dinners and after dinner until the kids are asleep because spending time with them is more meaningful to them and me. I’m successful 80% of the time and feel good when I respect my commitment to myself. Some families have a full day without screens, like Sunday. That might be too big for you. Pick something small and achievable to start.
(4) MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO USE: If you want to reduce your phone use try making it more difficult to use. You could:
– put your phone in a drawer out of sight or in a room you don’t go into frequently
– get your older child to hide it for a defined time (this idea is from one of my clients who lets her son hide it as part of a game and then they have focused mommy-son time together)
– turn it completely off so you can’t quickly check it
– remove unnecessary apps that turn one minute into 25 minutes (you can always add them back later)
– use one of the many apps that lock your phone. Freedom and Unplugged are ones that I’ve used (not sponsored)
(5) BE KIND TO YOURSELF: When you’re changing a habit it takes time. Research says it can take at a minimum of 21 days to change a habit. Other research says it takes 3 months or more to make a full transition. So be kind to yourself. Keep focused on why it’s important to you. Choose every morning to change your habit and don’t beat yourself up if you need to start again. Think of it as a practice.
How do you manage the time on your phone? Share your tips in the comments below!
Jenifer Horvath is the founder of Heart Lifted Coaching. She helps moms reduce their overwhelm, stress and guilt in order to live a happier, calmer and live a more meaningful life. When not hanging out with her family or coaching, you’ll find her doing downward dogs, reading about brain science, chatting over coffee with friends and shopping for locally-made gems. Follow Jen on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
